Himeko had been thirteen when she fell in love for the first time. She’d had crushes before, but this, this was true and utter love.

Sabako.

The girl was a year older than her but had been held back a year when she transferred to her school. She was the cutest, most beautiful girl Himeko had ever seen, with her emerald green hair and cactus yellow eyes, her tall frame making her seem much more elegant than Himeko could ever hope to be. She was so friendly toward Himeko, who was awkward and not really good at making closer than surface friendships at the time, so it was an easy feat to fall for her.

Her affection must have been obvious, as Sabako asked her out three months into their blooming friendship. They took it very slow, Himeko getting bright red in the face every time they so much as held hands.

She’d never been so happy in her life.

Sometimes, Sabako would say certain things that made Himeko’s chest hurt. She’d make jokes about Himeko cheating when she didn’t want to do certain things like kiss or cuddle, but in reality, there were just days when she hated the touch of others.

Other times she’d just… not react when Himeko told her about something that had happened or something that she was excited about. Himeko found herself get less and less excited about her interests, and more and more likely to keep things to herself.

She’d joke about certain things Himeko wasn’t good at or didn’t know about, dragging her parents into it. Sabako knew Himeko’s parents were distant, had never really been around, so there were a lot of things she’d never learnt because parents were usually the ones who taught you about it. Hell, she was closer to her uncle who lived several cities away than she was to her parents. It made her feel dumb.

Over the years it had slowly escalated to the point where Himeko was worried every day at school. The school day itself was fine, at 16 they had ended up in different classes, but when the last bell rang she felt her chest tighten and pain spread in her stomach. She felt terrible for being afraid of her own girlfriend. What kind of person didn’t want to see their own partner? She came to the conclusion that she must be a bad person. Sabako was right.

At 17, Himeko went on a weekend trip to visit her uncle in UnderNorthZawa.

She’d been hesitant to go, as Sabako had told her how her uncle didn’t seem to like her, so why would she want to spend time there, knowing it made her girlfriend sad? But her uncle had told her they’d look at guitars together, as the one she currently had was getting so worn out it was going to start falling apart soon. Sabako thought she wasn’t that good anyway, and that it was a waste of time, but… whenever she played she let go of all her worries. Her mind slowed down and her heart grew warm. She had taken to hide her guitar away in the closet whenever Sabako came over, which could be at a moments notice, so she was always ready to put it away any time the doorbell rang.

Arriving at the UNZ station she was greeted by the happy voice of her uncle, the man excited to show her around. It had been years since she got to spend so much time in the city, her heart was beating faster with excitement. There was so much to see and explore.

Back at her uncle’s apartment for the evening after an afternoon full of fun, her phone rang while they had dinner. She felt her whole body grow rigid at the sound of the specialised tone that her girlfriend had chosen for herself when she got the phone two years ago. Her fingers twitched around the chopsticks in her hand, as she tried to decide if she should pick up or not. On the one hand, picking up your phone while you’re eating with company is just plain rude, but on the other, she would never hear the end of it if she didn’t. She was frozen in indecision until the call got disconnected, relaxing for just a moment before the ding of a text was heard. Then another one, and another one. Another and another.

In her frozen panic she hadn’t noticed her uncle getting up until the man took the chopsticks out of her hand, setting them down on the table. He pulled her into a hug, awkward in the sense that Himeko hadn’t received a hug from an adult who cared in years, and because she was so much taller than her uncle.

As more and more messages piled in, she could do nothing but stare into the air, tears silently rolling down her face.

Her uncle made her hot cocoa once she came back to herself again. She’d felt like she had been nothing but an onlooker, watching someone else just sit and stare into the distance while stress tore them apart. It wasn’t her, it was someone else. But now, with the phone set to airplane mode, no more messages could come, and she had let her uncle read the ones that’d come through already. She just couldn’t bring herself to care anymore; she felt useless. What kind of asshole let their girlfriend down like this? God, she was the worst. If only she’d never been born she wouldn’t be causing Sabako all this trouble by being such a crappy partner.

She sat on the couch that had remained in the same spot ever since she first visited as a little kid, legs pulled up to her chest as she cradled the mug in her hands. Her ears drooped sadly.

“Himeko-chan, is this how she always talks to you?” her uncle asked, after having scrolled through some of the notifications rolling down the screen. She’d seen enough of them to know what he was talking about, and she hesitantly shook her head. “Only when I’ve done something bad…” She had done a lot of bad things recently.

“Not picking up the phone is you doing something bad?” This time she nodded, wiping the tight feeling of dried tears off her face to no avail. “Of course it is, I should be ready to pick up any time she wants to talk to me.”

“That’s not how a relationship should work, Himeko-chan… You shouldn’t have to be punished for missing a call.” Her uncle put his own mug on the table, putting his paw on her arm. “When was the last time you felt comfortable with her?”

She opened her mouth to protest, to tell him that she wasn’t uncomfortable at all, but she couldn’t make a sound cross her lips. When was the last time she felt comfortable, safe, around Sabako?

“I… I don’t know…” Her grip was painfully tight on the mug in her hands. “But I, I don’t have any reason to feel like this, it’s not like she’s ever hit me or raised her voice. She just tells me… like it is. She tells me things that make me better.”

“Has it?”

Himeko was at a loss. Was she better than before they started dating? She’d never hated herself before they met, but who was she to say that her self hatred had anything to do with what Sabako said or did? She just wasn’t strong enough. “I need to… I should sleep, it’s gotten pretty late,” she said instead, avoiding the question. She didn’t have an answer to give.

Her uncle let her know that morning that he wouldn’t push her to do anything, but if she ever needed to talk or needed his help, he’d be there for her, no matter the time of day. She was thankful, but felt guilty all the way home on the train that she hadn’t turned off airplane mode even now when the weekend was over.

Getting back home, she hadn’t even unlocked the door when it opened, revealing her girlfriend waiting. “Your parents left,” she informed as Himeko stood there, hand raised to put the key in the lock, unable to move. “Come on Hii-chan, what’re you just standing there like that? The neighbours’re gonna think you’re stupid if you don’t get a move on.”

That night, Sabako stayed over. While she held her close she whispered things into her ears that made tears fall down Himeko’s eyes onto the pillow. Again, she couldn’t make a sound.

Himeko was 18 when she finally had the courage to leave. She didn’t just end the relationship with her long time girlfriend, she left it all behind; Sabako, her parents, her hometown. She moved to UNZ, determined to never let herself get hurt like this again. She was going to take care of herself, though her uncle helped her get started. He’d been the only one who’d ever been there for her, and as promised, he kept being there even after she’d been unable to leave the relationship she knew did nothing but hurt her.

She had changed. She wasn’t as carefree, as trusting of others. She didn’t try to make friends, preferring to keep to herself as much as possible, even at her part time work at her uncle’s studio.

She decided she didn’t need friends if all it was going to do was cause her pain.

And she would never fall in love again.

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